2014: The Year of the Booty

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Well, one year has slipped by and another has come to take its place. One thing remains true... we just can't not talk about the year's big events. When I say big events I'm not referring to Obamacare or anything like that. I'm talking about important stuff like whose butt is bigger Kim K or Nikki Minaj? Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it's time for the year end top news list. What better time to talk about 2014 than a few days into 2015? Not like anyone would have read this the past few days anyway. After all, New Year's Eve is the time to get ready for celebrations and New Year's Day is the time to shake off hangovers while trying to figure out who the half-naked guy/ gal in your apartment is.

I know a lot of folks are tired of these lists, but just like watching someone pick a booger at a red light...  we just can't help but check them out. So here are a few things that happened to catch my attention at some point over the past year. I would say it's the top ten and put them in order, but that means I'd have to count and rank them and I don't really feel like all that. Not to mention this adult beverage I'm drinking is telling me not to sweat it and to hell with anybody who thinks otherwise.

 

Herbal Essence

Somehow the State of Florida shot down the medical marijuana amendment with a 57% majority ''yes" vote. Now if that ain't some Florida math for you! Kinda funny how a state with more old folks than an episode of The Golden Girls would decide to not make the medical mary jane legal. Maybe they just couldn't see well enough to know what they were voting for.

 

UFC... Ultimate Football Champion

The NFL proved once again that the line between football and boxing/ mixed martial arts is thinner than one would think. We witnessed the textbook form of Ray Rice and his deft quick strike skills in taking down a much bigger, stronger, and... wait that's right... he punched the bejeezus out of his wife. Bad Ray... bad, bad Ray. Even badder Roger Goodell for ineptness in handling that situation. Monica Lewinsky can clean up a sticky situation better than he did. Ray was suspended, then he was reinstated, and I hear he's now considering going back to school at Florida State and switching positions to quarterback. Good to hear he's looking to go somewhere where that kind of behavior is tolerated. One thing seems true, if you need your lady knocked out, Ray is your man. On that note, fellas don't EVER knock your lady out. Well maybe in the bedroom, but that's for special occasions and after a lot of Monster energy drinks. Drinks that, by the way, apparently include satanic Morse code or something in the logo. That should be no surprise for a drink that tastes like hell in your mouth.

 

From Russia, with Love

On the international front, Russia kind of invaded the Ukraine. According to Vladimir Putin, it wasn't an invasion per se, but more of an accelerated membership program involving tanks and an occasional bomb or two. Speaking of Russia, the Winter Olympics came around.  Let's see, in a nutshell, the one ring didn't open during the opening ceremonies, gay rights were championed, the Jamaican bobsled team showed up again and won as many medals as Lolo Jones, and I still can't figure out what's the difference between curling and mopping the floor. Collectively it seems as the Winter Olympics just stand as a reminder that the Summer Olympics will be coming along soon with stuff we understand and actually want to watch.

 

Wiki Peeks

The internet was abuzz with controversy as usual. Hundreds of celebrity photos were leaked from private cloud accounts. There were some non-celebrities leaked too, but unless you went to high school with <insert high school crush name here>, nobody really cared about those. It all seemed fun and peek-a-boo games until Jennifer Lawrence and Kate Upton photos popped up. The collective voyeur world then declared "ok they've crossed the line now". I mean this is Katniss Everdeen and the Game of War commercial chick for crying out loud! I admit I had to Google which commercial Upton was in. She's wearing a push up bra on there and I never paid attention to the name. Sue me. (That part may or may not have been the beer talking)

 

Please Stop the Madness

On the serious side... Ferguson, MO. All I have to do is say that name and everyone knows what I'm talking about. Yes, the death of Michael Brown (and Eric Garner and others for that matter) did nothing but stir existing racial tensions and highlight a simple fact that Blacks and other minorities live with each day. That fact is that racism still exists. It never magically went away. In keeping with the lighthearted theme of this piece I'm not going to delve too deeply into that subject. I can do an entire article on that alone... just from personal experiences. It would just be irresponsible of me to not toss that out for you to marinate on for a second. How will you work to improve that on your own personal level?

 

Please Pass the Purell

Did I mention that Ebola made it to America? Yep, for a few weeks everybody thought they were going to contract the disease anytime someone so much as said the word "cough" around them. I'll admit, my dog sneezed one time and I put him out in the backyard. Many were confused as to why several doctors and nurses who had contracted the disease in Africa were transported back to the US and some were still surprised when the disease spread to some of the folks treating them. Of special note is Maine resident Kaci Hickox. She's the civil-rights pioneer who chose to bravely defy quarantine rules so she could take an all-important bike ride. When asked how she could so blatantly defy the quarantine and get away with it she replied, "Because I'm white." I'm not totally sure about the validity of that info. But if Fox News can say stuff without checking facts, who am I to rock the boat. Meanwhile, everyone else seemed to forget about Ebola sometime around Thanksgiving when it was time to start eating and drinking everything that could possibly have pumpkin in it.

 

I Like Them and I Cannot Lie

My favorite cultural shift involves the bahunkus, the boonky, the derrière, the backside, the BOOTY!  Yep, pop culture finally came to realize that it is indeed ''All About That Bass" prompting many to declare 2014 the "Year of the Booty''. Blacks and Latinos have understood for generations the value of a nice round rump, but somehow 2014 brought about the acceptance of a nice onion as the thing to have. There have been countless champions of the booty cause through the years, but it took stellar young girl "role models" such as Nicki Minaj, J. Lo, Kim Kardashian, and even Meghan Trainor to say the round mound is the way to go. Seriously though, do a bit more searching around for role models for your daughters before you settle on this list... just saying. Now women (and guys for that matter) who have been cursed with a butt like a young Chinese boy now have the Brazilian butt lift workout, butt injections, Booty Pop panties, and let's not forget actual twerking classes to teach the newly enhanced how to show off their new... wait for it... assets! Yeah, you should have seen that one coming.

 

OK, What else...

Let's see, what else happened in the news. People started eating kale until they realized what it tastes like, side chicks started coming out of the closet, Brazil won the World Cup, Derek Jeter retired with a walk-off single, a bunch of people dumped ice water on their heads for ALS (not sure how many of them even know what ALS stands for), Pharell prompted fashion zealots to start wearing ugly ass hats, "selfie" is an actual word now, and I'm positive Taylor Swift is the Illuminati wrapped in one skinny, pale person. North Korea almost shut down an American movie by basically saying "You better not show that!" Does anybody remember all that crazy stuff Donald Sterling said? Old people, you gotta love 'em! When someone figures out what we should turn down for, please call Lil Jon and DJ Snake and let either of them know. For the love of all that is holy, can somebody from Star Trek or somewhere else in the future please send back a universal translator so we can figure out what the hell Young Thug and Rich Homie Quan are saying! I'm just concerned they're trying to push Monster energy drinks on our youth. All in all, I'd say it was a good year. Hell, any year we manage to live through is a good year! Just think of all the craziness I'll be able to write about this time next year. As we step off into 2015 I can't help but think of the words of the young Draketh from the land of Cash Money... "We started from the bottom, now we're here." Y'all get the idea. Happy New Year my peoples!