2015 DOUCHEBAG FANTASY FOOTBALL DRAFT GUIDE

   

     Last year, I sat down and wrote a relatively thought-out article giving the best tips possible to those fringe fantasy football players who don’t feel like doing any research. It stemmed from my stupid wife winning a championship amongst a number of well-respected fantasy minds. It felt good — helping others attempt to weasel out an accidental championship. Then, my stupid wife goes off and wins her second consecutive championship and now everyone can just suck my ass. 

     You aren’t getting any info on any of my awesome sleepers like Levine Toilolo (who led the league in ukuleles per hot tub) or Justin Hunter (who led the league in people asking “who the fuck is Justin Hunter?”). Nope, not this year. This year will be about me. This year, you get tips on how to not piss me off or your fellow drafters. These tips are to help you be a better person in the eyes of your peers. 

    No one likes you as it is, so let’s improve upon that:

1) BE A HUMAN AUTO-DRAFTER. 

     Yes, your league may draft online and allow you to not even be conscious 

while the draft is taking place, but don’t do that. 

At least join the chat room and say hi, even if you will still robotically 

choose the next available guy. If it’s a live draft, be there. There is no 

man that is hated more than the one that is drafting via two tin cans, 

needing a rundown of who’s been drafted every time it’s their turn. 

2) DON’T EVER ASK “IS THIS GUY STILL AVAILABLE?” 

     No he’s not. Not to you. You haven’t been paying attention, so you don’t 

get him (or her). When you say that, all you’re doing is reminding 

everyone to butt-rape you in a trade as soon as possible. 

Given the wide range of cultures and backgrounds in the NFL (everything 

from Samoan to Samoan Lite), there’s a good chance you’ll mispronounce 

a name and confirm for everyone what a douche you are. 

     Draft only the guys you can pronounce, as any post-draft discussion can 

and will be used against you when you try and tell everyone how excited 

you were to get Nelson Agholar, but noticeably trail off after the hard G in 

Agholar. That trailing off is the sound of your butt loosening just that much 

more for the impending trade assault-up-your-butt. 

3) DRAFT QUICKLY. 

     Everyone knows you’re a moron who may have gotten lucky in the past. 

The least you can do is hurry up and draft your kicker 8 rounds too early. 

Don’t waffle over Stephen Gostkowski, just draft him and move on. You’re 

going to get made fun of, let’s just be efficient about it.

 

4) DON’T WEAR ANY STUPID SHIT. 

     If you’re drafting in Tampa and you’ve finished 10th every year for 5 years, 

don’t wear your fucking New England Patriots jersey to the draft. No one 

wants to see a reminder that their team didn’t win the Super Bowl — 

especially from a douche like you. 

5) STAY AWAY FROM EVERYTHING ORANGE. 

     This one should help you. Last year, I said not to draft any gingers. I am 

now expanding that to the color orange in general. If a team has orange in 

their logo, stay away. 

     Not to name names, but Andy Dalton sucks and he is just inundated with 

this god-forsaken hue. Look no further than the Tampa Bay Bucs last year, 

who incorporated the smallest amount of ginger juice into their uniforms. 

How did that work out? They had the Number One overall pick in the draft, 

which means they were the suckiest of all sucky suck suck. 

Now, go out there, be meek and pay your league dues in a timely fashion. 

Douchebag.