Travel Tips From an Oversure Educated American

It’s summertime so, many of you will be going on vacation – some even internationally. I myself have been in Japan for a month so you could say I’m worldly as fuck. Based on this past month, I've assembled some travel tips for those of you about to go into a foreign country. 

Remember when in Japan do things that you can't do anywhere else...like go to Disney

Remember when in Japan do things that you can't do anywhere else...like go to Disney

Get weird.

You're in a new country with different ethnicities and languages – things are inevitably going to be different, so embrace it. Don't be that shitty American douche constantly comparing things to home. Yeah, chopsticks are hard and inferior compared to a fork and knife. I completely agree. Too bad no one gives a fuck. Eat three grains of rice at a time and enjoy the wood splinters in your mouth with a smile on your face. 
Remember, most of the time nothing is really that much better or worse than what you’re used to, just different. Except toilet paper - some countries don't use it and that’s unacceptable. On the other hand, I'm hoping I wasn't lied to about the panty vending machines in Japan, because that sounds like the pinnacle of humanity.

the deer later attacked leaving Krishna horribly disfigured.

the deer later attacked leaving Krishna horribly disfigured.

Identify the local American embassies. 

While embracing the weird is encouraged, sometimes the culture shock can be overwhelming to even the most open-minded. Lucky for you, even the most downtrodden of nations have metaphorical American embassies which you can use to get your mind right – McDonald’s, Starbucks, Pizza Hut, so on and so forth. You may not even touch fast food in the States, but if you eat enough local ‘delicacies’ (usually cow buttholes, regardless of nation), a Big Mac will taste fucking fantastic. Plus sometimes there will be local twists on old favorites – I had a Chicken Tikka Pizza in an Indian Pizza Hut and that shit was dope.

Mmmmmm fish heads and gravy.

Mmmmmm fish heads and gravy.

Practice charades.

Sure, you could learn basic phrases of local language to get around, but here are some reasons you shouldn’t.

  • One mispronunciation is all it takes to seriously offend the populace, and no one gives a shit about an American hostage unless you’re a journalist. 
  • People who don’t understand English haven’t experienced the joys of Outkast and you really shouldn’t fuck with those people.
  • Learning is hard and inadvisable if there are no tangible rewards. 
  • Most importantly, foreigners are usually more than willing to help your illiterate ass out, mainly since you’re American (preferably white). The major exception to this rule being the French because the French are dicks. Fuck them and fuck the Eiffel Tower.

To help these good folk out, hone your charades skills so you can still communicate. The cool thing about charades is if you’re good at it, it’s basically like being able to speak all of the languages. Why learn one language when you can learn them all? No-brainer.
If you aren’t good at charades, maybe give up on the dream of having an Asian masseuse fall in love with you and just visit an English-speaking country. Pro tip: many unexpected countries such as Belize and Singapore have English as their national language. This gives you the experience of encountering foreign-looking people, while not needing to learn anything substantial! With that said, you’re more likely to get mugged because you still look like a gringo.
Overall, make the most of your foreign experience – you may not get to travel there again. Hopefully, you’ll not only gain a new appreciation for a foreign culture, but also learn to appreciate things about home you don’t normally notice. 
Fuck escargot too.