The first time I ever saw Nintendo was on Christmas morning in 1987. Before then, all I heard about NES were rumors and hearsay from other kids that had never played it. I was finally getting to experience the joys of Warpzoning and killing turtles that other kids bragged about in school. The other two games I got that day were The Legend of Zelda and Excitebike. Nintendo was a drug and these three games were Heroine, Crack and Meth. Now imagine taking all of those drugs together for the first time. Yes! That was me. Throughout the years, I would get more games for Christmas, but it never quite the felt the same as before. Just like any drug addict, I was chasing the high that I got from the first time I played Nintendo. It got real bad for me at a certain point. I was injecting Tetris into my veins and snorting Castlevania off of a toilet seat. I eventually checked myself into rehab where they taught me that women aren't attracted to men that play video games. I quit cold turkey that day and it's been a waterfall of pussy ever since.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were my favorite boy band of the 80's. At least that's what it felt like. I had the Ninja Turtle shoes, socks, underwear, hat, book bag, lunch box, Trapper Keeper, pencils, condoms. Anything they made, I had. So of course, the toys were a huge Christmas gift for me. Nintendo was cool, but I couldn't play NES in the bathtub like I could my Ninja Turtles. I used to have my TMNT action figures battle against my WWF action figures. I was cross-promoting name brands way before KFC/Taco Bell ever thought about it. Eventually, an older, teenage version of myself microwaved all of my Ninja Turtles in an abandoned house that we broke into. I was just trying to combine my love for TMNT and Mr. Wizard.
Garbage Pail Kids
Garbage Pail Kids were great stocking stuffers on Christmas. They were for kids that were too old for Cabbage Patch Kids, but not old enough to smoke cigarettes just yet. Such a troubling time in a young boy's life. These dark, detailed and hilarious pieces of art should have been hanging in museums. Instead, they were packaged like cheap baseball cards. I'm curious if Garbage Pail Kids would work in today's society. I bet some kid would kill himself trying to recreate "Squashed Josh" and the dead kid's family would bankrupt the company.
NERF was a great Ying to the NES Yang. Children shouldn't sit on their ass all day playing video games. Instead, they should go outside and throw a video game-like football. I blame NERF for the decline of White players in the NFL. Ever since NERF came out, they've manipulated out of shape, non-athletic, suburban white kids into thinking they can toss a football 80 yards. For those of us less gifted football fans, NERF was the confidence boost our young self-esteem needed. For kids that were already super athletic, NERF elevated their ability to "Playground Legend" status. Also, if you soaked your NERF in water, you could use it to break concrete walls or bank vaults. It was quite versatile.
Water guns as Christmas gifts made sense because in Florida, where I grew up, it was 80 degrees during December. Every water gun that came out before Super Soakers, had the water pressure of an elderly man's piss stream. But the Super Soaker took that piss stream and turned it into a piss raging rapids. Wait, what? You know what I mean. The point I'm trying to make is that this thing was super badass. Not only could you blast your friends with water, but you could possibly dislodge one of their eyeballs if your aim was good enough. I'm not going to sit here and say I've never pistol whipped a kid with a Super Soaker, but I will say that Super Soakers can pass through a metal detector with no problem. Capiche?
Joe Riga Is A Comedian And Member Of Cigar City Comedy. Follow Him On Twitter Here.