Chaz Buckaloo

Dear Chaz,

I was waiting for your friend request to personally thank you, but then I remembered how scary the Internet can be for old people.  Anyway, thanks for the eloquent feedback on my Facebook post about exercising religious freedom.  I took the liberty of making a few grammar and spelling corrections, but the rest looks really good.

I hope you don’t mind if I call you Chaz.  Do you remember the episode of "Charles in Charge" where Scott Bao bumped his head and started insisting everyone call him Chaz?  Even though we hated Chaz, it was only a matter of time before Charles resurfaced and apologized.  You have my word that I won’t give up on the real Charles Buckaloo just because of an unfortunate head injury.  When the swelling subsides, I’ll be there waiting with a 6-pack of Keystone Light.

Anyway, don't be discouraged by all the red ink, Chaz.  It's not your fault you were home schooled by extras from "The Hills Have Eyes".  You may only be reading and writing at a 3rd grade level, but I bet you can recite the shit out of the 2nd amendment.  Someday they'll make it easier to get a GED, so don't give up on your dreams of literacy just yet.

On a serious note, your comment about me having a “tiny dick” really hurt.  Lack of endowment is a sensitive subject which has plagued me my entire life. It's not as much my fault as it is my dad’s, because he passed along the recessive micropenis gene. Do you know what it's like to have a woman confuse your manhood for a skin tag?  To go through life claiming to be a "grower not a shower", when in reality you're neither?  The girls in high school nicknamed me “one size fits small” and petitioned for Thumbelina to be my prom date.  To this day, it’s the reason I cry myself to sleep at night.

Oh, and to clarify... I couldn't care less what people choose to believe, as long as they keep it a secret.  Be as religious as you want, but don’t announce it to the world or use it as the justification for some crusade against civil liberties.  Basically, I don’t care if Jesus is your copilot, but please fly your plane of bullshit somewhere else.  If Americans spent less time exercising their religious freedoms and more time exercising their fat asses, society would be in a much better place.  See Chaz, a religion is like a 401K (ask one of your employed friends); it doesn’t matter how much saving takes place until you start preparing to die.  My advice to you is to just be a good person… no need to credit the source.
 

Yours Truly,
David