DOUCHEBAG FANTASY FOOTBALL DRAFT PREVIEW 2014

Last year I lost to MY WIFE in a fantasy football championship game. She did little research. Her draft strategy was solely based on the few pointers I gave her (thanks to my tireless research) and drafting players whose name she recognized.

Yes. She was that guy. The lucky bastard nobody likes because they don’t even care whether they win or lose.

This draft preview is just as much a therapeutic package of unreconciled emotion as it is a helpful guide. I thought I’d share the tips I’ll give my wife to further help that one fucker who doesn’t rot a little every Sunday whilst living and dying by every fractional yard. A couple simple tips to help the manager who really doesn’t give a shit. 

Here we go, douchebags! Put on your KEEP CALM AND CHIVE ON shirts and prepare to pay half-attention.

What’s that? Why should you listen to me? How about a little something called a YAHOO! SPORTS FANTASY FOOTBALL TROPHY ROOM THAT WILL BLOW YOUR BALLS OFF

(Sidenote: I want that page printed out and burned with my body when I die.)

Now that I have your attention from my digital trophies, let’s get to the deets.

OVERALL STRATEGY ADVICE

1. WAIT ON A QUARTERBACK

Last year, I was bent over a luxury box dessert cart in the championship game by Philly QB Nick Foles. NICK FOLES. A waiver wire turd. This was my wife’s replacement for Aaron Rodgers (Yes, she won the championship with Aaron Rodgers, her number one pick, hurt all year). I got to the championship with Philip Rivers, another waiver wire guy.

This trend was absolutely rampant last year. Unless you’re one of those people who just absolutely NEED a top-tier QB as their Linus-style security blanket -- wait on a QB.

I understand taking a QB early. It feels good to think, “at LEAST I’ll get 30 from Peyton.”

The argument can be made that a Peyton Manning 5-TD game will cancel out a replacement QB’s 3-TD game combined with a 2-TD game by a stud running back. But just remember, Nick Fucking Foles had a 7-TD game last year against the Dead Al Davis’s. Peyton may have a better shot at a huge game, but the gap isn’t great enough to use a top-3 pick on a QB.

If you’re drafting in the double digits and a top tier QB remains, he’ll be hard to pass up. Just know that another high scoring QB will be available in round seven.

2. DON’T DRAFT 2 RUNNING BACKS WITH YOUR FIRST 2 PICKS

Running backs are pussies. Everybody knows that. These bitches get hurt, like, every game. Want to know who my fantasy stud running back was the last 4 weeks of the year? Rashad Jennings. The former BACKUP for the mighty Jags. Productive RBs in the NFL aren’t hard to find. I’m pretty sure, if they would just give me a goddamn chance, I could rush for double digit TDs for in a 16-game season (Look, I’m tough. I did a triathlon once). It’s not so much that you’ll likely lose one of those “bad ass” RBs at some point, it’s just that you will be able to get a more-than-serviceable RB by week 5.

3. SELECT A RECEIVER WITH ONE OF YOUR FIRST 2 PICKS

I’m super aware of how things LOOK to me and how that look makes me FEEL. (See: emotional) And I hate the way my team makes me FEEL when I see Antonio Brown (or another 2nd-tier receiver) as my number one receiver. It makes me feel weak. As if Marshawn Lynch is going to bust into my house, push me to the floor and cancel my cable subscription.

You have to have that one guy that could blow up for 150 yards and 3 scores. Given that running backs are pussies, I like to take my chances with a stud receiver.

4. DON’T DRAFT A GINGER

This tip is more to help with someone’s overall karma. Drafting a ginger will inevitably cause you to scream the phrase “I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT FUCKING GINGER FUMBLED!” And let’s be honest, you don’t need that kind of negativity weighing on your soul.

Simple enough? I think so.

In addition to these tips-to-live-by, I tend to yell random sleeper names in my wife’s direction in the days leading up to the draft in hopes that a few will stick:

DEVONTAE FREEMAN!                 JAY CUTLER!

TERRENCE WEST!                          DONALD BROWN!

SHONN GREENE!                            CHRISTINE MICHEL!

KELVIN BENJAMIN!                        MARKUS WHEATON!

JUSTIN HUNTER!                            MARQISE LEE!

ZACH ERTZ!                                     LEVINE TOILOLO!

That’s all you’re going to get from me. If this is your sole source of fantasy football draft preparation, then I hope you lose. Maybe if you started caring a little more, then perhaps everyone in your league and extended family wouldn’t hate you so goddamn much. At least pretend to care.

Oh and here’s an endearing team name that will get you off on the right foot: CLAMMY TWATKINS

Thanks for reading.