A Comedian's Guide How To Vote In The Florida Election

by John J Murray

        Usually at this point in an election year I am completely sick of hearing about the candidates, the amendments, and all of the bullshit that goes with the entire situation.  My hopes start to feel crushed and I start wondering if my tiny uninformed vote even matters. At this point in the year every time I turn on the TV or the radio I hear a man or woman tell me in a stern voice that whoever’s  running is incompetent,  bad for Florida or an interdimensional shape shifter that will destroy the environment and turn your kids gay. It gets to the point that I think “wow everyone who is running is a piece of shit” and I may not be wrong.  

         This year I decided to not wait until the last minute to do my research in the hopes of influencing others to my way of thinking. Its actually phase one in my 643 phase plan to become President. If you disagree with me at any point in this article please stop reading and write me a very long detailed email explaining why and then please never send it. The following is a summary of the main items that will be on the ballot everywhere in the state of Florida.


Amendment 1: Water and Land Conservation

            Amendment one is a very easy issue that has very little opposition. Basically it guarantees that at least 33% of the funds from the document tax go to The Land Acquisition Trust fund. They essentially acquire land to make wildlife habitat, parks, wetlands and public beaches. If this amendment passes it will not cause any tax increases it will simply dedicate funds to protecting and preserving Florida’s environment.  The opposition I could find either thinks the amendment is unnecessary or would impede the balancing of the budget. So unless you’re some kind of asshole that thinks we should pave over the Everglades.

Vote Yes 

Amendment 2: Medical Marijuana

            Amendment two is supposedly a hot button issue that will allow doctors to prescribe cannabis to patients that are in need and that qualify with a “debilitating medical condition”.  Don’t get your hopes too high stoners, if the amendment passes you will most likely still have to buy your weed from some weird guy who lives in a dark apartment and wants to show you his pet snake.  The law is pretty specific with the medical conditions that you need to have in order to get a prescription. Those conditions are Aids, Hepatitis C, Glaucoma, Cancer,  MS,  ALS, Crohn’s,  and Parkinsons Disease.  While opponents worry that the wording is too loose, I seriously doubt that you’re going to be able to get your weed card by telling the doctor “My arm really hurts, man”.      I haven’t actually met anyone who would admit to me that they were against this amendment but I have seen some signs that say “Vote no on 2”. I assume that actual human beings had them printed and then took the time to distribute them so I know these people exist. I think it’s fair to note that the main opponent of this amendment is Drug Free Florida which is chaired by Carlton Turner, a guy that was forced to resign from the Reagan administration for essentially telling people that marijuana would turn people that smoked it gay.

Vote Yes.

Amendment 3: Judicial Appointments

            Ok so this one is boring as hell. Amendment 3 will allow an outgoing Governor to fill Judicial vacancies instead of the incoming Governor. This would allow the Governor to shorten the time it takes to fill said vacancy. The argument I have with this is that it would mean that a Governor on their way out of office could pick any asshole they want to fill the vacant spots just to screw the next guy over. It’s kinda like quiting  your job and leaving a bunch of old fruit and photocopies of your dick in the desk.

Vote No.

Gov. Rick Scott V. Gov Charlie Crist

            The good thing about this race for governor is that both candidates have already served one term as Governor so we can decide based on the things that they have done and have failed to do. These two have been attacking each other nonstop and the sad part is most of what they are saying about each other is true. It seems like we are stuck choosing between lifelong Republican assholes. I know there is a third party candidate with Adrian Wyllie but he’s not going to win and I think we need a Governor that does not get arrested on a regular basis for refusing to have a drivers license.

            Charlie Chris is the Democratic candidate and the former Republican Governor. As of right now he supports marriage equality and medical marijuana although he has been known to change his mind frequently.  As Governor he once supported an act that would allow everyone to bring their guns to work. Maybe if he gets elected we can have Dress up like a Wild West Gunslinger Tuesdays.

            Rick Scott is the current Republican Governor running for reelection.  He is against gay marriage and the passing of Amendment 2. Since he has become Governor he has single handedly put a stop to the development of any light rail in the state of Florida and signed a bill forcing welfare recipients to take drug tests of which only 2.5% tested positive for.

            As you can see there is not a great choice for Governor. I am going to go with Crist because even though he changes his mind on a regular basis he seems to be just kissing anyone’s ass who he thinks will vote for him. I don’t know about you but I like having my ass kissed. Also he’s not Rick Scott.

Vote Crist.

John J Murray is a comedian, Cigar City Comedy's political columnist, co-host of Something Planet podcast and a member of touring nerd stand up comedy group, Unlockable Characters