In Defense Of: Florida

by Law Smith

Do you like that Click Bait pic of Burt and Kate?? A little something for everyone!!  

Florida needs a PR person. Anyone that reads Florida Man's or Billy Corben's Twitter account knows this.  Florida has been the fodder for click-thru journalistic websites like Huffington Post's dedicated section Weird Florida.  The most apt punchline came from 30 Rock calling Florida “America’s Australia.”  

But Florida did not become organically crazy.  It become the 2nd chance state for anyone that screwed up a previous life in the Midwest or Northeast.   It makes sense that just about 1,000 people move to Florida every day -- great weather, no state income tax and low cost of living.    

Burt Reynolds wasn’t born in Florida, but his formative years were spent in the Land of Flowers.  The Millenial boner jam, Kate Upton, also wasn’t born in Florida either.  According to a lazy Wikiepedia search, Smokin’ and The Bandit were born in Michigan.  Like Thomas Edison or Ernest Hemingway, they moved to Florida and actually improved life around them.  

Instead of blaming Florida for all its deficiencies, let’s look at some of the greatness that has come from the Sunshine State…

The Oldest Established City In America

"Roanoke, Jamestown and Plymouth can suck it, bro!!” This was a quote overhead from a UF frat boy when asked out loud if St. Augustine was in fact the oldest established city in the United States. 

Wrestling!

Florida became the biggest hub for the shiniest stars between the ropes. Tons of current and former wrestlers, boxers and even American Gladiators call Florida home.  Hulk Hogan has called Tampa his home since he was a kid, and is/was arguably the biggest wrestler of all time. 

Lynyrd Skynyrd

Lynyrd Skynyrd’s reputation gets ruined because of assholes yelling out “Freebird!” and Busch Light using “Simple Man” in their commercials. However, I think people who have never been to The South envision everyone looking like Lynyrd Skynyrd and that's simply not the case (see photo of Upton in thumbnail photo).

Outback, Hooters and Publix

Trick Daddy and Sheryl Sandberg

That’s a lot of range from the same area code (305).  Sandberg wasn’t born in Florida, but moved to North Miami when she was two years old.  Trick Daddy, the 305 Mayor, is Liberty City’s rose that grew from the crack in the concrete. 

Cocaine!

In the late 70s and early 80s, an estimated 90% of ALL the cocaine in America came through Florida.  I blame all the current shitty strip malls and shoddy buildings from the white lady of yester-year. 

Finally,

Your fucking family

Again, the reason the state is batshit isn't because the people who want to start over find Florida as their Tabla Rasa. If you meet a Floridian, you should shake their goddamn hand for taking care of your grandma/grandpa/mother/father/cracked-out-family member. 


Notable Mentions
Gatorade
Gloria Estefan 

Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson

T-Pain

Carrot Top

Don Garlits

Tino Martinez

George Steinbrenner

Vince Carter

Tracy McGrady

Osceola

Angela Bassett

Wayne Brady

Sidney Poitier 

Daniel Tosh

Sheryl Hines

Freeway RIcky Ross

Rick Ross


People who moved to Florida because it's awesome
Jimmy Buffett
Shaq
Tiger Woods
Tennessee Williams
Jerry Springer



Hate this? Love this? What did I forget? Comment if you want to troll. 

 

Law Smith is comedian, Floridian, C.O.O. of Cigar City Comedy and co-host of The Triple Option college football podcast