Jim Irsay Owns The Colts, But Has The Pill Habit Of A Browns Fan by Matt Fernandez @FattMernandez

Police (or as I like to call them, “life referees”) threw a flag on Colts owner Jim Irsay Sunday night for driving intoxicated. He was only going 10 mph in a 35 mph zone, which could really hurt his draft status, come May.

According to the affidavit from his arrest; at around 11:40 p.m. life referees stopped Irsay’s Toyota Highlander. Yep. The billionaire owner of the Colts drives a Toyota. That’s the most interesting thing about this entire story. Besides going 10 mph in a 35 mph zone, Jim was also called for a false start as the car came to a complete stop in the middle of the road, then started driving again, and came to another complete stop in the middle of the road. Mr. Irsay started driving again and called an audible as he made a turn without signaling. I could do this all day…

According to the investigating officer, Irsay displayed poor manual dexterity. His eyes were glassy and blood shot, his speech was slurred, and his balance unsteady. Ironically, all symptoms you would also look for during a concussion test. After, the officer concluded Mr. Irsay to be intoxicated with CNS depressants. Some examples of CNS depressants are Xanax, Valium, Ambien, and Nembutal. Ya know? All the stuff that makes Joe Namath seem so fun all the time.

In a twist as unbelievable as Aaron Hernandez’s ability to hide a body, a breathalyzer reading of 0.01 confirmed that Irsay had not been drinking. Irsay did refuse a chemical test though, but authorities obtained a warrant ordering a blood draw. Isn’t that creepy? Cops can just get a piece of paper that says you have to give them your blood. He was charged with operating a vehicle while intoxicated, and four counts of possession of a controlled substance. Once the results of the blood test come back, prosecutors will determine if Irsay has a prescription for the drugs. Maybe he does. If Trent Dilfer can get a job on ESPN, anything is possible.