A guide to NASCAR by: John J Murray

 Old rednecks fighting after becoming bored with driving around in a circle.

Old rednecks fighting after becoming bored with driving around in a circle.

With the Daytona 500 coming up on Sunday NASCAR is all over the this week, which is why I suddenly realized that I don't have a fucking clue what NASCAR actually is.  I mean yeah its a bunch of guys (and one girl) with mustaches driving around in a circle but what really is it? As a native born Floridian and notable piece of white trash I decided it was my duty to investigate.


NASCAR stands for the Nation Association for Stock Car Auto racing which basically means that all of the cars you see on the track are exactly the same car. Not only do these rednecks only turn left for 500 miles but no one has a better or more interesting car. The only real advantage they have is how fast they can stop for gas and get their tires changed. Its kinda like they turned bored dads trying to make really good time on their family road trip to Disney World into a sport.  This sports history actually relates to moonshiners during prohibition who would soup up their cars to outrun the police. This sounds like bullshit to me because why then wouldn't they make all NASCAR drivers be drunk the entire race? They could take one sip of grain alcohol every lap and we could sit back and watch the return of sports blooper videos. 

NASCAR drivers are some of the highest paid people in sports and that's not because they are really well paid professional tailgaters its because they are literally covered in advertisements. The space on their car and their jumpsuits are open to the highest bidder making NASCAR the ultimate American sport. Whats more American than sitting on your ass while you waste gas, whore out to corporations, and promote consumerism. These guys sell anything including boner pills, adult diapers, The NRA,  Kim Kardashian  fragrance, baking powder, ass cream, Spam, and The KKK. Ok I made that last one up but I swear the rest are real.

I know that during this article I have used the word "sport" in the same sentence as stock care racing but believe it or not some people do not agree that drivers are actually athletes. Some would argue that being really good at driving a car is far different from being a quarterback in the NFL, or being a UFC fighter, but according to an article from cnn.com a driver maintains a heart rate of 120-150 beats per minute which is the same as a serious marathon runner. I'm pretty sure that's my heart rate when I masturbate (yep I just checked)  so consider me an athlete as well.