I probably shouldn't even promote this badass Castle is for sale in Tampa's burgeoning Seminole Heights district. I want it, but my fiance already denied my request to check it out. My fear is that someone uncastle-worthy will buy it and strip all of its castle-ness to make it look like every HGTV Flip This House wannabe.
Here is why owning a Castle would rule:
- Nervous about the crime rate in Seminole Heights? Put a moat around that bitch! Flop a couple of alligators in there. Burglars HATE alligators! Fact! If you put a moat around a Victorian house, you're just another meth-ed out Floridian waiting for a sinkhole to happen.
- You always have a sweet exit out of a party. "I'm good. I don't want another drink. I'm going back to my CASTLE to drink out of a chalice like the goddamn king I am!"
- Pop culture references a-plenty! Mario Bros., Zelda, and Medieval Times right off the bat. I would even watch Game of Thrones just to see if there's a way to incorporate a GoT ref in my normal dialogue.
- If you look at the front of this castle, you'll notice that has three windows perfect for cannons. Real cannons may scare people in the hood, but everyone loves T-Shirt cannons. Now you know what to do with those shirts from 5k walks that you'll never wear in public!