Religious Dream Team

By Matt Fernandez         

         Religion. It’s one of those words that makes reasonable people cringe, like “moist” or “BFF.” While I myself do not adhere to any religion, or even the idea that religions should exist. I do believe that parts of them are very interesting. Not all parts of them. I can’t stress that enough. Mostly they sound like the ramblings of an elderly person who accidentally ingested LSD. I understand that not everyone agrees with me. A lot of people cling to religion like a life raft made of cuddly pandas. However, like the 1992 men’s Olympic basketball team, if we were to take the best parts of every religion to form one “Dream Team” religion, I might actually consider being a part of that.

            Every denomination would have something unique to offer. Catholicism comes with a ton of guilt. Where’s the fun in that? But confession; having someone to tell all your secrets to besides your stuffed animals is a great idea. Not only do you get your sins off your chest, but afterwards God totally forgives you for all of them. Like you’re an adorable child getting their cheeks pinched while God smiles and says “I just can’t stay mad at you.”

            Next up, Hinduism. I think they’re idea of God’s physical form is the best. They either have a human body with an elephant head, or 6 arms. Hindu gods could all be bosses in Mortal Kombat. My favorite part of Hinduism is reincarnation though. The idea that if you do good in your life, you come back as something good. Like a great white shark with a huge dick. And if you do bad in your life, you come back as something shitty. Like a tattoo artist. That’s an idea that’s incorporated into every religion in one way or another. “Do unto others” and all that…

            The Rastafarian sacrament is weed. I don’t really feel like I need to justify including them anymore than that, but I will. Dreadlocks are awesome. Next!

            Few [if any] religions have more traditions than Judaism. Isn’t that what any religion is all about, a series of traditions? I’ve never been clear on whether or not the word “Jew” is acceptable. I feel icky when I say. It probably also doesn’t help that I look like an Irish Nazi. That being said, those fuckers are great with money. I think that’s something everyone can benefit from regardless of religion. They also pioneered circumcision. Look, no one should ever have to see a penis. They’re awful. If you are going to see one though, wouldn’t you prefer it not look like a malnourished Graboid?

            Buddha takes the prize for most non threatening deity. I feel like I could have a beer and share a pizza with him. He would probably eat most of the pizza though. He definitely eats his crusts. He preaches enlightenment and inner peace. While I don’t really know what those things mean in the grand scheme of things, they sound very peaceful. I’d probably put him in charge of the verbiage of the religion. Like a really chill politician.

            I went ahead and saved the best for last; Islam. Did you cringe again? This one offers very slim pickings like that pizza that Buddha got a hold of, yet some how 23% of the Earth’s population is a member. They are the only one on this list to preach physical fitness though, and that’s important. They call it “Ramadan.” I call it a month long super intense diet. While I don’t agree with women having to cover their face, looking like Cobra Commander is pretty cool.

            I only included the most popular religions in this article, so if you don’t see yours here, I’ll just assume you’re some kind of religious hipster who’s into an underground religion that no one else knows about yet. It’s important for everyone to form their own opinions with regard to religion. Just remember, don’t take anything too seriously. Especially religion.

Matt Fernandez (@FattMernandez) is a Comedian featured on Sirius XM, Funny Or Die, and Rooftop Comedy. He is a Contributing Writer for This article was republished from Matt's Tumblr: