Whether reporters are talking about guns or being shot by them, gun control has never been more relevant. What can we do to stop them from killing? Regulate guns? Regulate people? How can we reach these kids?

Here are the facts: People are going to kill, regardless of guns. Guns just happen to make it much easier. Therefore, logic would suggest, THAT WE REGULATE GUNS. That’s why everyone should only be allowed to own ONE HANDGUN and ONE HUNTING RIFLE. THAT’S IT. Everyone gets the exact same pistol, and the exact same rifle.

“But I want a more powerful gun!” WHY? IT’S A FUCKING GUN! IT’S GOING TO GET THE JOB DONE! “But it’s harder hit a target with a semi-automatic weapon! You need to be more precise!” Well God forbid you’re too precise when firing a lethal weapon! If you’re in the area when some crazies pop-off, would you rather they use machine-guns?

Stray bullets kill children! Isn’t that something we should try to prevent? Sadly, when it comes to guns, IT’S NOT THE THOUGHT THAT COUNTS! IT’S THE RESULTS! Do you really need to use an Uzi? From a car? You might as well be holding a fireman's hose because you’re going to spray EVERYTHING.

One handgun, one hunting rifle, all other guns are unnecessary. No one’s ever needed to defend themselves from 45 attackers, and only had 3 seconds to do it. No one's ever been attacked by a swarm of bees and had that sawn-off shotgun come in handy. You’re not Bradley Cooper, you don’t need a sniper rifle, no one is threatening you from 8 football-fields away.

One handgun for self-defense, one rifle to hunt. Because while I don’t condone hunting, sadly, just like killing, it’s always going to happen, so there might as well be a gun designated for it. I don’t personally understand the appeal of animal murder, but apparently some people find it pleasurable to end the lives of God’s innocent creatures. You know, the kind of people who believe all God’s children are special, just not his pets.

I just figure by forcing everyone to use the same, universal, rifle, at least it becomes SOMEWHAT of a sport, and gives the animals a TINY PERCENTILE-of-a-chance to survive. How much fun can hunting really be when you’re ripping apart a moose with a 600-round Tommy gun? If you truly want to prove you’re superior to nature, then do it without a weapon! Bare hands vs. Bear hands! Now THAT would be impressive!

One handgun, one rifle, all of our gun problems are fixed. “But I don’t feel safe in a home where my wife and I are only allowed to have four guns, assuming no guests are staying over!” WHY? If you’re paranoid to the point where you don’t believe four guns are enough to protect you, then maybe you should worry about why the hell you feel so unsafe? What kind of life are you living, where you don’t believe four murder-machines are enough to protect you? Are you James Bond? How many people want to kill you? Maybe you’re actually the sick murderer, which is exactly why there should be a gun limit in the first place!

The sad truth is, people are always going to kill, guns are always going to be used to do it, and your best chance of not getting shot, is to be a decent person. Odds are, if you don’t give anyone a reason to shoot you, they won’t! All we can do is REGULATE. PEOPLE AND GUNS.

You want to own a gun? Pass a 15-question written-test on gun safety, and get a 15-minute psychological evaluation.


It really doesn’t take more than 3 minutes to tell if someone is a complete psychopath, the extra 12 minutes would just be for good measure. And if you think you’re responsible enough to own an item that can end a life in a split-second, you should also be responsible enough to read a 10-page-pamphlet, and retain some of the information.

Is that really too much to ask? Is that too inconvenient? We’re willing to wait at the DMV for hours for a driver’s license, but we can’t spend 20 minutes learning about these life-ending boom-sticks? What’s the rush to get a gun? If you’re in a rush to get a gun, YOU PROBABLY SHOULD NOT BE SOLD A GUN.

One handgun, one hunting rifle, basic regulations, less people die. Easy. In concept. Sadly, nothing is going to change any time soon, because if an elementary school, a church, a movie theater, and a mall full of dead bodies doesn’t move things along, nothing will. Why? Because it’s our “right” to own guns. And “rights” can’t be wrong.