As a resident of Tampa, these are just a few of the things I'm thankful for in 2014.
Fall / Winter Weather
Humidity is the evil monster living under Florida's bed, but by this time of year the humidity has hit the bricks. Even the mosquitoes are too busy trying on their winter scarves and UGG boots to worry about us. The only downside to this magical weather is seeing Tampanians dressed like Siberian dog mushers as soon as the temperature drops below 65 degrees.
Egypt has the Great Pyramids and the Sphinx. Tampa has strip clubs. Did I just compare Mons Venus to the Sphinx? Yes, but mainly because my first lap dance was from a Dominican woman with a Sphinx tattoo on her titty.
Nothing represents Tampa better than the Manatee. These mammals look and act just like us. Manatees are the cool drunk uncles of the aquatic world. If there was an underwater Wal-Mart, you know the manatee would be cruising down the aisles on a Hoveround wheelchair gnawing on a head of lettuce that was soaked in vodka.
Tampa loves pirates the way Texas loves guns. This non-stop party caters to all who attend. Men/women, old/young, Republicans/Democrats, alcoholics/weed heads. If you want to increase voter turn out in the next election, Tampa should consider treasure map ballots on pirate ship floats.
Ybor isn’t just wild raccoon knife fights & homeless saxophone players. The Historic District also has amazing hangout spots like The Bricks, Tampa Improv, The Columbia Restaurant, Crowbar, The Ritz and many more. So raccoon proof your shins and take in all this lovely area has to offer.
Curtis Hixon Park
Not only does the park provide awesome entertainment and people watching, it also provides a safe place for teenagers and college kids to experiment with psychedelic drugs for the first time.
Roadside Fireworks/Baby Turtles
Need something cool for yourself or a last minute birthday gift for that special someone? It’s amazing to know that you can get fireworks or a baby turtle at any time of the day from the convenience of your vehicle. Celebrating your new turtle with a full on fireworks display or commemorating your fireworks purchase with a cute turtle is highly recommended, so consider getting a combo pack.
Not only does Tampa have some of the best Cuban sandwiches in the country, but they are available at exclusive locations all over town. You can get a Cuban at a gas station, Amscott, church, abandoned warehouse, gang hideout, underwater cave, etc. But you better keep that ketchup bottle in your holster because trying to put Ketchup on your Cuban sandwich warrants public ridicule.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Being thankful for a consistently-losing football team might sound silly, but the Tampa Bay Bucs are playing so horribly this year it makes my own life seem pretty incredible. Seeing Josh McCown cry after a game makes me feel a little better about that pimple on my forehead that got me so upset.
Tampa might not be hip enough for medical marijuana, but at least the people have embraced this new form of transportation. Unlike traditional cabbies, your Uber driver may actually have some weed for his passengers. Don't feel sorry for traditional cab drivers though, they still have a 24% chance of becoming starting Quarterback for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.