The Undateable Dog-bearing Chick

by David Weingarten

Most guys would agree that a girl doesn’t require an impeccable social resume to be considered dateable.  There are certain flawed females, however, who continue to pollute the dating pool and can’t be overlooked.  The type of girl to which I’m referring wants a man in her life, but has trouble explaining why her relationships are so short-lived.  The answer lies in her furry castrated roommate that’s hell-bent on keeping its owner celibate and single.  I’m not talking about the miniature pooch that lives in a designer purse and contemplates the most peaceful form of abrupt suicide.  I’m referring to the boyfriend substitute, which usually doubles the girl in size by its first birthday, and closely resembles a retired NFL lineman.

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The undateable dog-bearing chick usually evolves from a prolonged period of solitude.  The canine offers unconditional love and doesn’t judge a girl that loosely adheres to a bi-weekly shaving schedule.  She insists that the dog enjoys wearing clothing and accessories, so, to further facilitate a miserable existence, she dresses it against its will.  Even persistent images of a frustrated creature desperately trying to remove its hooded sweatshirt and booties won’t convince her otherwise. In an attempt to guarantee mutual anguish, it’s almost always neutered immediately, and certainly not allowed to socialize with members of the opposite sex.  Also, to make matters worse, its adopted name often contains a salutation (e.g. “Dr. Edward ScissorPaws”).

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She spends the better part of her day worrying about the dog’s well-being, but its hygiene somehow gets overlooked.  The ripe combination of body odor and halitosis will permeate her entire residence, so, if she invites you over, be prepared to breathe through your mouth for the entire stay.  She refuses to admit the dog smells, and will be baffled by your unwillingness to gladly field its tongue kisses like she does.  Seeing him lick his ass after depositing baked goods in the back yard makes that indirect form of salad tossing rather unappealing.  According to her, the dog's mouth is "cleaner than the human mouth", but why the hell does she even knows that?  Although you might find it funny to suggest she adopt a little brother named “Febreeze” or drape a urinal cake around its neck, she will most likely consider it an insult and show you to the door.

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Under most circumstances, the question “Want to go back to my place?” incites an immediate positive response.  When you know you’ll be greeted at the door by a small thoroughbred wearing a knitted sweater, the answer isn’t so clear.  Should you decide to enter, the dog assumes you’re there exclusively to promote exercise or entertainment, so be ready to engage in a lengthy session of  tug-of-war with a soggy rope or defeated chew toy.  Also, unlike some dogs with special talents like leading the blind or sniffing narcotics, this one offers nothing more than the uncanny ability to figuratively paint your balls blue.  Despite the fact that her bed is barely larger than a coffin, she insists that the dog sleep with her nightly.  Nothing like waking up at 5am to the smell of marinated ass coming from the snout resting on the opposing pillow. 

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Don't be fooled.  If she get's a little too excited when putting on red lipstick, maybe it reminds her of something else.  Something that was there first.  Something the size of Li'l Sebastian.