Things That Are Not Reading Your Facebook Posts

Facebook is definitely a great place to keep up with friends family and old classmates and I know everyone can be annoying to a certain extent on social media. I just want people to stop posting messages to things that will never read what you write.

Your Pet:

We get it. you love your pet and want everyone you know to hear about it, but please don't post messages to  your pet that say he is your best friend and always there for you. Of course your pet is always there for you; it's been imprisoned in your house its entire life. Plus it does not read your facebook posts.

Your baby (Born or unborn):

Look, changing around your entire life in a positive way so that you can be a better father/mother is a great thing. What’s weird is proclaiming this to your baby on facebook. Your baby can’t read and hopefully doesn't have a Facebook account yet. Go tell tell your baby these things in person; it's that thing over there in the corner making noises while you update your status. Sure I guess it's possible that years from now your child could look back at your timeline and see all the wonderful posts of you telling them what a great parent you are and how much you love them, but to do that they are going to have to scroll through the other 98% of posts where you are just acting like a self-obsessed asshole who drinks too much and doesn't understand politics.

Your Dead relative:

I know you miss Grandma (I do too), but I’m trying to see which girls from my high school are still hot and you are really bumming me out with that post. Your dead close friend or relative has left this existence and has not updated their status in a while; reposting that old picture of you two is not going to get them interested in social media again. If you want to feel like a better person take one of those online quizzes that tells you exactly what you want to hear.

The characters on your favorite TV show:

These people don’t exist. These are characters made up by writers in a room who are also not going to read what you thought Jax Teller did wrong in the final season of Sons of Anarchy. Remember that Olivia from Scandal is not a real person who wants your advice on why she made the wrong choice last season (even though she obviously did).


Your favorite sports team:

What's better than sitting there and watching your local professional sports team win a game by scoring more points than those assholes from a different city? But let's face it, most of us are disappointed and angry when we watch sports. That doesn't mean that we should jump on social media to proclaim why our favorite sports team is filled with players that are not worth a shit. Please keep the knowledge that the highest paid player on the team has been statistically getting worse to yourself. The players are not going home after the game to check their facebook updates. They will never read or care about what you think of them. Why? Because they are 25 year old millionaires that have to go out and spend their money on things that you will never have- including sex with college age girls. That signing bonus isn't going to spend itself and there's always next week or even next season to get that whole sports thing right.

President Obama:

The President does not read social media, so sarcastically thanking him while reposting a meme from your slightly racist Aunt is all but pointless. Obama did not invent taxes and certainly doesn't want to hear about your proposed tax plan that somehow involves blowing up the middle east with nuclear weapons. If you want someone in the government to notice you, stop being snarky and start spouting more violent rhetoric. That way the NSA will put you and all of your friends and family on a list. Then all of your views and opinions will be recorded forever in a database.