Why Florida Should Legalize Marijuana (Even If You Don't Smoke)

by the Cigar City Comedy staff



Discussing marijuana legalization is a difficult conversation because most people carry a predisposition.  It's unlikely you will change anyone's mind.  A bible thumping Republican thinks your real agenda is to publicly smoke at an Umphrey's McGee concert.  To even write about this, I used the generic "Cigar City Comedy staff" instead of my name because my boss HATES weed. My agenda focuses on the belief that decriminalizing marijuana makes Florida more efficient.


Florida Be Crazy

Florida has become the laughingstock of the country.   Check out the Twitter accounts of @FloridaMan or @BillyCorben and you understand that Florida needs to calm the fuck down. 30 Rock dubbed Florida as "America's Australia." If crazy people were legally smoking weed instead of getting ripped on bath salts, we wouldn't have a guy eating another guy's face

Florida is a state of transplants.  Like Texas, we have warm-to-hot weather and no state income tax.  Unlike Texas, we get every deadbeat dad from Midwest or Northeast respawning in the Panama City to start an airbrush t-shirt business.  Below are Forbes' infographics of migration in the four biggest counties in Florida (click on the maps for a zoomed in view).  Not exactly the income levels of San Mateo County moving to the state.  

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One Hitters

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7 in 10 Floridians back medical marijuana. 

Pam Bondi, Attorney General and member of the somewhat-hot Florida lawyer club, makes the case that deregulation of marijuana would cause Reefer Madness. 

Rick Scott has signed the "bong ban" bill which is a bit counterintuitive to the Republican nature of deregulation and very dumb because people who smoke weed have McGuyver-like abilities of turning anything into a bong. 

John Morgan of Morgan & Morgan has appropriated more than $900,000 into United for Care to get the pro-medical marijuana vote, the Cathy Jordan Medical Cannabis Act, on the ballot. 

Pill addiction for pain relievers is on the rise with the elderly.  You don't want your grandma to be like Ellen Burstyn in Requiem For A Dream. 


Tax Allocation

Everyone has experienced the droll conversation about taxing marijuana with a hippie that looks like he was in the ultimate freesbie scene in P.C.U.  I usually zone out of this conversation as soon as "tax" and "marijuana" are bridged in a sentence because no one can tell me how that tax money would be appropriated.  As a country, we are horrid spenders.  I want Florida's tax money to be allocated to one initiative, a high speed rail in Florida.  

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We spend an absurd amount of money on driving.  Florida has a splendid mix of old people, vacationers, people from cities where you don't need a car and 1st generation Americans that learned to drive from their parents that grew up in a country without driving rules.  The All Aboard Florida infographic provides you with the stats and proposed railway.

The drive from Tampa to Miami takes 4-5 hours.  It can be more than 5 hours once you get in the city of Miami and all the Haitian cab drivers are working.  Even if this high speed train took 5 hours to get to Miami, I would take it.  I wouldn't have wear and tear on my car and I could get boozed up the whole way!  We could call the high speed train The Steamroller! The slogan could be "The Train That We...ed Built!"


What Do I Do Now?

Don't be lazy.  It takes 1 minute to sign the petition and mail it And SHARE this article.  I know. I know. You don't have any stamps.  Go ask your neighbor for a stamp or get a Stamps.com account. Below is the link to sign the petition.