Post Coital Tips for Men

     I've noticed a lot of guys that I talk to are so focused on going out meeting a girl and then getting that girl to have sex with them that they have not thought about what comes after. So there you are, the sex is over and now you're wondering what to do? Do you get up and walk away? Do you cuddle? The answer is simple. You Google "post coital tips for men" and you get this article because there is not that much information on the subject directed towards men. Don't worry though after you read this you will be well on your way to being one of the greatest afterlovers your lady has ever seen. 

     1.  Treat sex like a joke:                                                                                                                 We have all heard time and time again that women love a man with a sense of humor. So show your lover that you have one by making fun of what you two just did. Every situation will be different so you have to treat it like a comedian doing crowd work. Comment on any unique smells that are leftover and compare them to things like ethnic street food or garbage outside of a hospital. Try on her underwear and attempt an impression of her. Make fun of that stupid face she was making right before she finished the possibilities are endless. Just remember if she's not laughing at first keep going no one ever said comedy was easy.

     2. Offer meats and cheeses:                                                                                                                Nothing shows that you're a great host more than providing sustenance to who you should consider a very important guest, and nothing shows how classy you are more than an elegant meat and cheese platter. I have found that if you ask her if she wants this she will almost always so no, so do not ask just get up go to the kitchen and get your already prepared platter. If you don't have one of these handy a slice of pizza or a fried chicken leg will do the trick. If she says shes a vegan politely ask her to leave.

     3. Rate her performance:                                                                                                               According to many women's magazines women really love honesty and openness. Now is your time to shine and be the hero by honestly rating her performance in the bedroom. Start by telling her what she did right followed by what she could work on. After the discussion give her a simple and easy to remember rating. I prefer 1-10 but feel free to use whatever system works best for you, such as five stars or letter grades.

     4. Update social media:                                                                                                                 Let her know you care and are not ashamed of her by updating social media with what you just did. On Facebook write a long post going into detail about all the nasty shit you just did, tag your closest friends and family. If you haven't yet already update your relationship status to "its complicated" or "Open relationship". On twitter use use hashtags like #alltheway, #shesa7, #tindersuccess, or #nonetflixrequired. Instagram a selfie of you two in bed. Using the appropriate filter will show her you have style.

     5. Get really emotional:                                                                                                                 Women like it when you are not afraid to show emotion so make yourself cry if you're not already doing so involuntarily. If you can't make yourself cry than go in the shower and make really loud sobbing sounds so that she can hear. When she asks why you're crying tell her its because she has made you feel so damn special.                          

     There you have it just follow these five easy steps as best as you can to ensure your sexual partners feel well taken care of and appreciated. Once you master them you should be able to do all five at the exact same time. 

* these tips are for heterosexual men only. I can only assume after sex gay men just unpause the PS4 and continue their game of madden.